Bill's No Fail Sleep Solutions... Lincoln, Golf, Idaho & Moses

     Remember those days as a kid when you HATED going to bed? Who would've dreamed, pardon the pun, that when we got older going to bed would be a highlight of the day! But going to sleep or staying asleep just isn't as easy as used to be... is it?

     I have what I think are a few fail safe mind games you can try to either fall asleep or go back to sleep. The key is thinking of something besides the events of the past day or the events you're expecting for the coming day or days. I'm not sure if it's a proven fact, but I firmly believe that it's impossible to think of two things at the same time. So try one of the following if you're a tosser and a turner....

Be a News Person: I am a former news guy. So, this game isn't a stretch. I got the idea after watching the movie "Lincoln," starring Daniel Day Lewis. I loved that movie. That night while trying to go to sleep, I thought "wouldn't it be fun to interview a 19th century leader as a regular 21st century man."
     I asked all the obligatory question in my horizontal prelude. Teresa had no idea what I was doing because she's a sound--SOUND sleeper. Meantime, I bundled around multiple pillows, tried not to roll to the middle of our bed that dips like The Big Valley and stay still.
     That night, I asked #16 all kinds of fun stuff. I specifically remember asking him, "What's your favorite snack." Of course, he didn't answer (that'd be a little weird.)  I also remember asking him, "What's your vice.... What's your unnecessary worry... What time do you get up in the morning... What's your favorite supper?"
     This pretend interview worked, but it didn't. It worked because eventually I fell asleep. It didn't because he was a great interview.

Tee It Up!:  This is my go to game.. for a few reasons. First, I love to play golf. I like to watch golf. I enjoy reading about golf. and because of all the above I've created multiple variations of Tee It Up!.
     This bedtime diversion works best if I've played earlier that day. It works even better if I've played well that day. For example, the day I shot three under par I fell asleep a lot faster than the day(s) I shot five-to-seven(ish) over par.
      Here's how it works. Fluff up your pillows and don't bother the sound, sleep noises making loved one who's perfectly happy next to you. Then, begin re-playing your round.
      For example, I'll silently say in my mind, "Okay, my #1 tee shot went right... My second shot returned to the fairway... I'm 120 out.. I wanna be in front or on the green, but I don't wanna be in that sand... I hit my wedge front center... chipped up.... dropped the putt... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
     Usually, I don't get past the first or second hole when I play Tee It Up. Then if I awake in the night, I pick up where I left off. In the above scenario, I picked up on the #2 tee box and continued my game and Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Idaho: This is my most intellectual game. I bet if you try it... you'll screw it up when you get to the letter "I."
     In this game, climb in bed & close your eyes. Then, begin putting all the states in alphabetical order. Sounds easy, right? Humpf! Idaho always trips me up.
     And here's the rub, once you realize you missed a state, you have to start from the beginning. Sounds easy, right? Just wait till you get the "Ms" and the "Ns." And, where does Washington, DC go?

Moses: This sleep game began when I was reading the Old Testament... great stuff. I got in bed one night & my mind was twirling. I got to thinking about scripture from my day's reading. I was reading Job at the time.
     I silently asked myself, "Who'd play Job if Hollywood made a movie?" I really don't remember who Tinsel Town cast in the role, but I'm sure they were very patient in their selection. Ultimately, this turned out to be a fun challenge.
     Beware though... I found that many times my thoughts returned to whatever movie I had last seen.  One night, we'd recently watched 10-Ways to Lose a Man with Matthew McConaughy and Kate Hudson. I was reading the New Testament at this time. So, it turns out, all the principals looked like those two.

     We all have a lot going on in our lives. If you can turn it all off at bedtime, I envy you. But if you're anything like me, try one of these games or create your own. No matter how many bills you have, no matter what worries you at work, no matter what makes you sad.... your mind, as complex as it is, simply cannot think about two things at the same time.

Bill Robertson, No Charge.



   

Mr. Brady Was Right! Caveat Emptor!

     My older sister, Laura, and I were huge fans of The Brady Bunch when growing up. We didn't miss an episode.
     I'll never forget the episode when Greg was old enough to take his driver's test. He passed and immediately wanted to buy a car. He found one and paid a whopping $100. And that's when his dad, Mike, said two words that I have not forgotten. Those words are: Caveat Emptor. That's Latin for "Let the buyer beware."

    I have no idea how I remember Mike Brady's wisdom from an October 1971 episode of The Brady Bunch, but I do. Of course, it was a Friday night because that's when our favorite show came on TV. I bet Laura and I were eating supper. I don't think we had TV tables. I remember a big, round coffee table. I also remember mashed potatoes with ketchup. Laura and I didn't agree on too much back then, but The Brady Bunch was an exception. I don't know if she still likes mashed potatoes, but I do sans ketchup these days.

     That was 37-years ago. Here's what's happened within the last year to prove Mike Brady's a genius. Teresa and I bought two vehicles in the last 13-months. I could have... I should have applied Mr. Brady's sage advice in both instances.
     The first time I remembered Caveat Emptor was when I took our gently used Kia in for an oil change and tire rotation. The oil change went fine, but the tire team at our local car-fixit place called and said, "Bill, we need the key for the wheel locks and it's not in the car."

     "The what?" I think wheel locks are a new thing.. a millennial 'show-off' kind of thing. The tires aren't the big deal. It's the rims. I guess younger people want fancy (expensive rims). So, they get lug nuts that actually lock to deter creepy thieves. Apparently, the rim stealing circuit is so active that now even standard wheels come with the locking lug nuts.
     Who knew? I sure didn't. So when our local tire team told us the news, I called the dealership where we bought our black cherry Sorrento in Lubbock. They immediately apologized and said they could fix the situation at no cost to us. They admitted they screwed up. So in this case, Mike Brady's Caveat Emptor wasn't so abrasive. It was the second instance that really chapped my fanny and drove home the point from 'A man named Brady raising three boys of his own.' He told Greg... "Buyer beware!"

    Our second Caveat Emptor adventure involves a gently used pickup truck we bought for my youngest son Joe's college graduation. We spent ALL day at a little dealership called Casey's Frontier Chevrolet in Livingston, Tennessee. When I say, ALL day... I mean all day.
    The bottom line is/was... Joe was driving home from work in Tennessee last Thursday night. It was cold and wet. He had a flat. He got out on a busy Nashville highway to change the tire, but couldn't remove the deflated tire. Why?! Because of the stupid wheel locking lug nuts. He told me that he looked and looked, but there was no 'key' included in the spare replacement equipment.

     Joe: "Dad, umm. I had a flat. No big deal. But there wasn't a key included for the locking lug nuts. I was able to get my truck towed to a Nashville dealership. But now, they're telling me it's going to be $250-$300 bucks to cut off those locking lug nuts."
     Me: "They have a master."
     Joe: "They say they don't. I also called Casey's Frontier Chevy where y'all got the truck. They pretty much said I'm screwed."
     Me: "What!? They didn't offer any type of help?"
     Joe: "No."
     Me: "I'll call you back."

     Okay, there are a few things to note here. First of all, Joe's 6'3" and 215lbs and 24-years old. So, he's okay. I'm not making that point. But still, once your baby boy.... always your baby boy. My point as I continue is... Customer service and while Caveat Emptor is apparently always applicable the response I got from Casey's Frontier Chevy in Livingston, Tennessee really should put Caveat Emptor in ALL CAPS!

     My first phone call was to the Nashville dealership where Joe's truck was towed. They changed their tone real quick once they realized they weren't dealing with a 20-something. Kudos to them. But the phone conversation I had with Casey's Frontier Chevy in Livingston, Tennessee didn't go as I'd hoped.
     Receptionist: "Hello. Casey's Frontier Chevy in Livingston, Tennessee. How may I direct your call."
     Me: "Hello. My name is Bill. I'm calling long distance. May I please speak with your general manger?"
    I was put on hold and listened to a few minutes of pretty good music. Then, Randy came on the phone.
     Randy: "This is Randy. How can help you?" I gave him the story. Randy didn't waste anytime getting to the point.
     Randy: "Yes, I talked to your son. I told him there was nothing we could do. We haven't seen that truck in a year. How could we know. If he'd brought to us for service, we would've found the issue and corrected it."
     Me: "First of all Randy, he graduated from Tech (Tennessee Tech in nearby Cookeville, TN.) The truck was a gift. He left town. That's why you haven't seen the truck in a year. Secondly, don't y'all check ALL your vehicles for absolutely everything before they're sold?"
     Randy: "We don't necessarily check the tires. If we had, we would've found the issue."
     Me: "Okay. I recommend y'all begin checking all your vehicles, new & used, from bumper to bumper and top to bottom. That's something y'all may want to change."
     Randy: "What are you asking me to do about it?"
     Me: "I want you to pay for the costs of removing those locking lug nuts!"
    Randy: "That's not going to happen."
     Me: "You mean y'all are selling vehicles and not completely checking them before they leave your lot?"
    Randy: "You mean that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS?" (I didn't put in caps bc he's yelling. I put in caps because of what I consider a ridiculous statement.)
     Me: "Of course, I'm not!!!"

     The conversation didn't last long after that. I suppose the good news is/was: Teresa and I learned a lesson, two actually, and we were able to explain to Joe to never presume a seller's got your best interest in mind.

     Update: Joe's truck is good. Our Kia is good. Laura and I get along.

     Thoughts: If Mike Brady had such good advice, what'd Marshall Dillon, Arlis & Travis, Kojak, Archie Bunker & Mr. Jefferson, Hawkeye, Bob Hartley and Johnny Carson say that I missed?

Bill Robertson